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The current mood of ericbradley@usa.net at www.imood.com

the loser who owned ericbradley.com for over four years finally gave up! i think it is time for a celebration and party, and now that i sit in front of my computer with the money and the opporunity to obtain the domain name i wait. all i have to say is that i don't care if another eric bradley buys the site, just use it!

i have not written much lately, and have felt drained everytime i stare into the computer screen attempting to write another word, another sentence, another paragraph.

life is good. not great, but life will never really be great i believe, for every moment i reach for greatness in one particle in life i sacerfice in so many others. it is a dangerous cycle, and i wish i could give up sleep to devote myself to all that i long to, or just win five thousand dollars and quit my job for the summer. whichever comes first. yet life is very good, being nineteen years old in the summer brings the greatest opporunites. it seems i am a king of my world, not by my own ego, but by how others respond as i walk by in my everyday routinee. for the moment i have the final joys of a child and the physical shape and personality of a adult. hopefully my inner child never dies but if it does i will always have this summer to relish on.

i have become half obcessed with staying in shape. at first it was a side idea, of bicycling to work daily to save on gas and to enjoy the summer weather. however i quickly became energic and longed for more. now i run place to place, and plan to start swiming laps at the pool daily. i also plan to join the manchester civic band, now that the bad dog iv has pretty much died away. i fear of working out, for i fear of looking queer (because of my small build) and because of urban rumors that working our decreases the size of a very important male object. look, i don't care if i am every buff if i have to give up that! yet i fell so alive this summer, while last summer i felt like death bearly able to walk because of my hip. god gave me a second chance and i am never looking back!

although i have so much to write about, and so much to say off the top of my head, i know that my writings are overwhelming to the average reader. the only person i do know that can keep up pace with me in the letter world is Vreneli Brenneman. boy, 6 or 7k emails, i wish more people could say so much about their lives.

i wanna go back to the good life, and for the moment i think i am actually there.

smile.



Thursday, June 27, 2002
i fell much better now.

la la la

la la la

la la la la.



Monday, June 24, 2002
the knocking sound of the front drivers side tire grew and grew as i drove home on the warm and buggy summer night. a sound such as that usually doesn't irritate me, but tonight things changed. tonight i was weak, and vulnerable, completely in shock in dismal. La la la. La la la, la la la la. Over and over, I sang these las, each time pushing back from my disgust and anguish.

La la la. La la la, la la la la! Stupid bastard, you just don’t say something like that. You just don’t bash someone down like that. Everyone has their little quirks, everyone was brought here on purpose, noone is a mistake. damn you kuhn I am not a mistake, I am not a mistake, I am not a mistake!

I pulled over the nosy jeep and balled. What has happened in my life, things were going so well, people had matured so much, so quickly, and I believed that I would never be attacked casually as I was, attacked with a smile on a face. What did I do to deserve that? I am not a mistake, my mommy loves me just as your mommy loves you, don’t you fucking dare declare in front of my friends that I am the only reason my parents even saw another day together. Don’t you fucking dare declare that I was a huge mistake, and that you are perfect and loved because you were planned. Bull shit, don’t you dare ever say that stuff again.

I am tired of all of it, from all of you.

YES, I am a mistake, alright all of you, I was a mistake.

I am a huge mistake, and brought together two people. Yes, it is all my fault, and thank you for making that clear to me. You don’t think I cry myself to sleep every day night after night over that fact? I try so hard to make things perfect, to be the perfect son, to make things perfect for everyone so THEY never have to look back at the moment where they had to choose me or my death and separate lives. Alright, you all made your point, and I never want to talk to any of you ever ever again about any of it, I thought we all grew up.

So everyone just please, please, PLEASE just back off of me. Don’t make fun of the way I talk, I don’t mean to mispronounce the words I say. Why do you have to be so mean, why do you have to stay in my life? why do you have to be my friend of my girlfriends friends, why can't i have some REAL friends, some that understand and don't treat me like the dirt of the earth for not being perfect. Don’t make fun of my dad, he works his butt off every day just so I, THE MISTAKE thank you can go off to college and make him proud. Yeah he drinks like a fish, but he could had ditched my mom and I could be dead before I was even born. Don’t you dare bash him the way you do, I love him with all my heart because he stayed for me, and did the bravest act I ever saw in my life, so you don’t you dare go off about him one more time.

Just stop.



Sunday, June 23, 2002
currently ©2002 eric michael bradley