i have been watching cuts of the blues brothers.....wow, they never fail to impress me.

April was long and mostly wonderful. -Annie

mostly wonderful. unlike mine i must say.

the cool weather blew on me gentle, then rough, then once again gentle as i worked yesterday. while first waking up the overcast skies dimmed my spirits, and considered me to stay home as it begins to rain. yet it never did rain, and i had a wonderful day. although i must say i am very sore now.

jennifer didn't get online last night, which was akward but allowed me to go to sleep early and rest away. i hope the words i told her wednesday soaked through, about her side relationships of the past year while dating me. all it seems to do is reflect, and make me look like a idoit for staying with her. i know she says troey is just a friend, yet he is thirty, and hanging out with her, just him and her hanging out. the sierns are going off in my mind, telling me to move on, yet i stay. yet i am a different person from who i was a year ago, and she is a different person, and we are two strangers. she is looking for a guy with big muscles and a jockish personality. if she wasn't then she wouldn't had went for travis and now be hanging out with troey. now i'm not like that, and while i have made friends who are like that, i am no part muscle or jock. she still talks about travis' 'pistons' as she is turned on by them. the thing that makes her sick about ben is his personality. if she is just looking for a guy with big muscles and a jockish personality then fine, but let go of me. i am ready to move my way, if you will only let go and realize how you have moved on yourself. i'm not making stupid decesions following my honrmones and hurting those that i love, and i need someone who fells the same way.

many of my former classmates are comming back this weekend. the only way i know myself is that jennifer told me. no one really kept in touch with me the past nine months, and with their attitudes toward me the past year i personally am scared to see them. i do miss talking to amy, and would like to see her, yet i just no longer relate to the others. i am not a partier or 'crazy' one like tiffany, and i'm not anything like ben. i guess i wouldn't mind seeing chris, or brock dilling, or even quitten. those that i do miss and want to see jennifer hates, and i wish she didn't. yet quite honestly i know i will keep in touch with those i always have, the fellow former band members, and will make new friends along the way as i have. commuting this past year i have really gained only a handful of friends, which are distant due to my distance from campus, and lost many that i went to school with, with jennifer and i relationship and just their own changes. i saw kim slater and amber thomson last week at the community garage sale, yet they ignored me as i walked by. fellow band members and i was nothing to them. times do change and i guess i have changed from a friend to just another face in the crowd. yet that is how life goes (and every reason why i was not intended to remain here as i did)

short to say i don't believe my summer will be turning out like American Pie 2, which may be good because of 'glue' and other things, unless the Bad Dog IV roadtrip turns into that. Humm.....ideas ideas ideas. 1. Not bringing Kuhn on the trip. 2. Going to Canada. 3. Going to Party, and make lots of new friends.

Yeah!

open the door and let your love come down

this morning i woak up, and instead of the ussual fall back alsleep dreading the day routine, i pulled out The Complete Short Stories of Ernest Hemmingway and began reading. i flipped page by page until i found the story 'in another country,' which sounded extremely familiar yet i had never read. so i read a story of a american in italty durning war (sudden jump to A Fareware to Arms) yet this story was different, and focuses on the daily conservations between a American fighter and a Italian major. the major had just lost his wife, and in his moment of lost verbally attacked the American durning a conservation. the story was very short, yet for the moment it made perfect sense. the perfect way to start a day.

we walked and walked and walked, met a bookstore owner from austria, walked and walked, bought some trinkets from a leather good shop, walked some more, and laughed so hard i thought my cheeks would explode. -christine

this morning i sleeped in.

i don't know if it was best for me, but i sleeped and sleeped and got away from the reality that i have. the odd thing is is that that dark reality is becoming more and more fake, and i wonder if once again i have been able to recreated my reality to what i want it to be. i just assume things...and when i assume wrong i hurt, so once again i am creating my mental boundaries, and figuring out everything. but this morning i escaped and had a wonderful dream, about chasing love and finding love, and once reaching it holding it tight and never having to let go. sigh.

yesterday was a really good day, but it blew up in my face. but today is the start of may, a new month, and i can put behine the past four weeks of agony and smile again. let me smile again, please.

worn out

i somehow got off on the wrong step this week, and keep walking awkard in my journies in the second to last week of school. it must have began with a lack of sleep, and then a lack of will power, but with each situaiton i no longer fell up to fighting and talking and being who i am. last night made it worst, as i ended a very good talk with jennifer, i drove home peacefully and then entered our dark house. for the moment i just stood there, not in fear of a ghost, but felling the realization that i was alone, and that i and my thoughts were all alone. i wished jennifer would had came over, but knew she shouldn't be. i walked up to my room, and at the stop of the stairs felt once again, complete isolation. so in the time of isolationness i pulled out my mellophone and stood in a marching band attention. it made me fell good, very very good. yet as i moved my right leg up a terrible pain came to my hip. and then the realization that i would never be able to march again hit me. i jumped to my bed and cried for hours. it may sound silly, it's just marching band or drum and bugle corp, but it meant so much for me, and i dreamed for so many years about it, and i realized that i would honestly never do it. i finally fell alsleep, and had a wonderful dream, of living on campus and being my own, and of ben and amy together and how cute they were, but yet i woak up with my hip hurting and reality remaining.

i am not happy, and am scared of so many things right now.

check this one out: redneck neighbor!

today has been a very quick moving and interesting one. in my physics class i was able to do the very tetious math equation perfect, yet miss two multiable choice questions. go figure me making silly mistakes. then in convo we go to perc arena to watch a group of elementary jump ropeers preform. but that's not the interesting thing...i find ben and amy sitting across the arena, and they are very very close. i think i need updated on that situation big time!

anywho jennifer updated her page finally. I don't get it, I miss one day and the online world is up in arms, but she misses three weeks and I'm alright with it. something is off. and yes, i enjoy writing in all lowercase, and do so on purpose. i guess i have been keeping distant from her, but right now i don't now what is happening. i use to know what i wanted in our relationship, but she keeps changing her mind...and that scares me in any sort of situation. i need stability in life, and find out that i have more of it than most i know.

i have realized that a good chunk of my new friends at school are big buff guys. not just one but several i have classes with. those guys use to beat me up, and now it's 'hey eric what's happening.' i think my life is turning for the better in that area. no fear of getting whooped on anymore! i think i know what it is....all these guys have finally watched 'revenge of the nerds' and realize that i'm not a bad guy after all. who knows, but all the crap i got in high school is over. the jocks are nice, the beckys, melons, and general mean women of america are gone (or out of my way) and i can still be a proud french horn player. things don't get better.

sigh, if only the sun would come out now! i start work toamrrow and would like it to at least be in the sixties.
te ta

sunday afternoon once again

the weekend has flew by, with two preformances and a day and a half non stop of bryan and joey. while i did enjoy it i must say i am slightly tired of joey and completely sick of seeing bryan. bryan is at a very stuborn point in his life and wanting and waiting to fail. it is very frusating at times to talk to him when he doesn't care. no wonder why he can't find a girlfriend.

anyway today has been much better, although i do need to sleep to catch up on several hours of lose sleep. while i ussually catch up on sleep on sunday mornings this morning i went to church, then afterwards had a large lunch, drove up to fort wayne and back, and now i'm finally settled down for the rest of the day, and in much need of it. i have just been a little bit too busy this weekend, and am in a need to slow things down a bit.

bron has been at her dad's this weekend, and remined me to update this! thanks bron. i didn't write yesterday because i was not in front of a computer at all the whole day until very late at night. that's when i recieved the great news that the dope nose video from weezer was finished, and the product downloaded as i peacefully sleeped away. i must say i love it, it really shows weezer's true self once again. look for it on mtv --or-- check it out at weezempire.com personally i couldn't sit through all the yuppie comericals and bad videos to watch weezer. i mean you sit down to watch some great videos, and then all the rock videos are dark and black and the artist are screaming and sweating away, and the rap videos are all rude with half naked women dancing and artist screaming and sweating. yes there are excellent exceptions to the rule, but they are so far and little inbetween. comericalism sucks big time.

ah junior cat is on my lap. he has fallen in love with sitting on my lab while i type and surf on the internet. it's very nice to have a friend like that.